Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
