Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
