I wish life had little blips of pornography
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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