The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
