Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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