I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
