I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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