if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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