You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
