We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
