I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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