Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
