I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
