if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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