I looked at my own cervix.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
