Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
