meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
