dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
