i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
