just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
