someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
