Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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