Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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