On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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