God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Rumble strips road head = magical
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
