never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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