I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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