And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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