I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I looked at my own cervix.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
