apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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