That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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