Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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