Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
