Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
