Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
