Apparently you make a good broom.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
