I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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