yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
