Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
