swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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