Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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