i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
