Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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