so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
