shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
