you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
