I have demons in me.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
