he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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