Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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