I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
