The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
