A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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