I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
