Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
